Dear Regina,

Step 1: Recognize when you’re paralyzed by fear - then pause. 💡 

The first step is always recognizing that you’re paralyzed, and that the fear of making the wrong decision is stopping you from doing anything at all.

Pausing isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, when my coachees are scared, hurt, or angry, I usually encourage them to do absolutely nothing until they have shifted out of that state.

This is because fear, anger, frustration, and hurt are all governed by our amygdalae, the part of our brain that is reactive. This was helpful when we were being hunted by sabertooth tigers, but less helpful as keyboard warriors working white-collar jobs today.

The pausing needs to be productive, however. Pausing to distract oneself isn’t productive; I’ve known many operators who pause and distract themselves with other things while the current problem at hand festers. The point of pausing is to downshift and deescalate your emotions, not suppress them.

When you distract yourself with other busywork, you never give your body and brain time to recognize that it is, in fact, not in any physical danger (and, as a result, does not have to have the reactive brain working overtime.)

This is why I recommend spending time simply feeling your emotions, without judging them. One of my favorite meditation teachers, Jeff Warren, calls this equanimity. It means observing without judging, or trying to change it.

Inserting the pause

Acknowledge that you're afraid, or that you feel disrespected and unheard. Allow yourself to feel those emotions, without judgment or the need to fix them immediately.

Some operators need a few hours to downshift; others need a few days. The key is to recognize when you've shifted from being reactive to being responsive.

Here are some signs that you're ready to move forward:

• You can think about the situation without your heart rate increasing

• You're able to articulate multiple perspectives of the situation - not just your own

• You find yourself naturally thinking of solutions rather than dwelling on the problem

• The emotional charge of the situation has decreased significantly

Taking time to process emotions isn't weakness. It's a valuable leadership skill that allows you to make better decisions for your company.

Step 2: Decide what hills you’re willing to die on. 💡 

When you’re stuck between doing what’s right and keeping people happy, the question is NOT, “How do I make everyone feel okay about this?”

The more appropriate question is:

“What am I unwilling to compromise?”

Every company is different, and cultures aren’t appropriate for everyone. So the only way to know what the right answer is by asking yourself: What do you value? What do you care about?

A good culture and mission should be opinionated. All humans have different preferences and styles of working, and they thrive in different environments. Don’t fall for tragedy of the commons; stick your stake in the ground, and be willing to take whatever heat comes your way when you do so. That’s what it means to be values-driven.

If you approach your culture and mission this way, you will have an easier time approaching decisions this way too. Decisions will naturally occur from your values. Indecision reeks of uncertainty. And uncertainty leaks into your culture fast.

Most of the time, discomfort doesn’t come from not knowing what to do. Rather, it comes from the internal tug-of-war between what you know and what people want from you. That tension is part of the job. The best operators are clear on which battles they’re willing to lose sleep over, and which they’ll let roll off their backs.

Choosing to be opinionated

If you feel shame or lose sleep when making hard decisions, evaluate why. Is it because you believe what the critics are saying? Or is it because it’s in direct opposition to your values? Based on your answer, you’ll know the right call to make: if it’s values-driven, pause and reevaluate. If it’s driven by fear of the mob, remind yourself what you value for your company, and why. Then make the hard decision.

What’s the cost of saying yes to the critics? What future decision does this one set a precedent for? Will bending here unravel other things you’ve worked hard to put in place?

Step 3: Don’t apologize, but do choose empathetic language. 💡 

Over-explaining often turns into self-sabotage, or looks like you’re being apologetic for disagreeing with people. You start sounding uncertain about a decision that actually resonated deeply with you from the beginning.

Apologies are for mistakes. They aren’t for making good decisions that others don’t like.

Once you’ve decided what you’re going to do, rather than apologizing for your decision, understand that the misalignment between you and the small (but loud) mob usually comes from either lack of context, or differences in values.

If the anger comes from lack of context, feel free to share whatever context you need to share to feel good about your position. Know that the mob will likely continue being loud if they’re angry for the sake of being angry, so only do this if it would make you feel better.

The more important thing to share is what you value and why. People have a much easier time arguing execution, but reasonable people find it hard to tell someone their values are wrong.

Putting it into practice

Here are some examples of empathetic language that maintains your values:

• “Our mission is to [value], and this decision aligns with that core belief.”

• “We've carefully considered the impact this will have. Our commitment to [value] means sometimes making tough choices that not everyone will agree with.”

• “This direction reflects what we believe is essential for building [type of company/product] that truly serves its purpose.”

Step 4: Expect the backlash, then normalize it. 💡 

If your goal is to never be criticized, you’ve chosen the wrong job.

The more innovative, fast-moving, or mission-driven your company is, the more polarizing your decisions will be. (See above: remember the part where I said no matter what space, vertical, or industry you’re building in, you will face criticism at some point?)

Criticism doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. It just means you’re doing something uncomfortable or unfamiliar.

The trick to normalizing backlash is to remember most of the time, it’s not personal. Backlash usually stems from fear, and the sooner you can recognize that people do crazy things when they’re scared, the sooner you will be less afraid of criticism and anger.

Building a backlash plan

One thing I encourage the operators I work with to do is build a backlash plan. This is where you ask yourself:

• What pushback am I most afraid of? What is paralyzing me?

• What’s the story I’m telling myself when I hear this backlash?

• What wisdom can I derive from this backlash? (There is always something to learn from people - even if you disagree with them!)

• Is my decision a vote for or against my values? Which ones, and why?

• If I choose to engage, what lines will I cross or not cross? Who will be my objective third party to catch me if I’m spiraling into anger or fear? (Usually, this person is a coach, mentor, advisor, or Chief of Staff.)

Building a backlash plan prepares your nervous system, and gives your team confidence when they see you calm in the face of public friction.

There’s a reason seasoned operators get more decisive over time. They’ve wisely learned backlash is inevitable, and they’ve stopped internalizing it.

Want more operational content?

Check out Coaching Founder for over a dozen free, downloadable Notion templates to use at your company, and tons of write-ups on how to level up your execs, your teams, and yourself.

About Regina Gerbeaux

Shortly after her role as Chief of Staff, then COO, she opened her own coaching practice, Coaching Founder, and has worked with outrageously talented operators on teams like Delphi AI, dYdX, Astronomer, Fanatics Live, and many more companies backed by funds like Sequoia and Andreessen Horowitz.

Her open-sourced write-ups on Operational Excellence and how to run a scaling company can be found here and her templates can be found here.

She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her partner Lucas and dog Leia, and can be found frequenting 6:00AM Orangetheory classes or hiking trails nearby.