Dear Regina,

The EGO Framework

E: Empathize with their identity.

High-ego people usually love the smell of their own farts, and are simultaneously terrified everyone will notice their farts actually smell as rancid as anyone else’s. 💩

Sorry for being crude! What I mean by this is, high-ego people feel like they have to talk over everyone else because they think they know a lot, but they also feel a massive amount of insecurity that people will think they aren’t very smart. Their never-ending monologue is usually a defense mechanism when they feel insecure.

We all know someone who is like this - it seems like no matter what subject you’re talking about, they always have something to say, a story to add, or an opinion you never solicited.

I don’t point this out with the intention of getting judgmental against this person. Rather, the best operators humanize high-ego people. It’s likely one of your best skills that you possess in your toolkit. In a world where high-ego people think everyone is out to get them, you have the chance to be one of the few people who they believe is on their side.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of turning someone into a caricature - especially if you already have reason to dislike them in the first place. But don’t do that.

Instead, see where you can draw a bigger circle - where you can help them feel like they actually matter.

Do this by validating something real that you agree with. It could be as simple as:

• “You make a lot of really great points, such as…”

• “I always appreciate how much you care and how proactive you are in suggesting…”

• Compliment them on a call they made that was correct and in their Zone of Genius

This signals to them, “I see your strengths. I’m not here to take away your power or make you feel like you’re less-than. I’m here to help you.”

G: Guide with curiosity.

Like the famous proverb, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Now that you’ve taken the step of showing them you’re friend, not foe, you can ask them questions that shift the mirror back to them, without triggering any defensiveness.

Curiosity is the ultimate honey antidote. Try asking questions, like:

• “I’m curious how you reached X conclusion and would love to get a better understanding so I can be on the same page as you.”

• “What other solutions have we tried and explored before? I’m sure there have been many things we’ve tried that I might just be missing context on.”

• “It seems like you’re really confident X is the correct direction. I’m wondering what you’ve seen that has informed this line of thought?”

This level of curiosity helps you seem approachable, and suggests to the high-ego leader that you are a friend, not a foe.

Once you do this, they will give you an answer (and may monologue for many more minutes.) Listen attentively, with your main goal being to make them feel heard.

Genuinely listen - they might have some really good ideas in there.

At worst case, you’re better understanding how they think and what they care about - things that you can store in your Arsenal of Human Understanding.

An operator’s Arsenal of Human Understanding is one of our greatest strengths - you’re forming a strong understanding of people, their mindset, their emotional state, and everything that makes them tick.

A high-ego person wants control - fine. Give them control of the conversation by asking questions that help them feel heard and valued.

O: Offer reality, not judgment.

Feedback is essential for creating a high-performing team. If you can’t do it at the top, you can’t expect the rest of your team to give good feedback to their direct reports. This is the beginning of the end of your high talent-density culture.

This is the part where you give the high-ego leader feedback, but you do so in a way that offers reality rather than judgment. It’s difficult for anyone to argue with reality and how actions make people feel. It’s especially helpful if you frame it from a perspective of wanting to invest in that person’s success.

For example, most people, even high-ego ones, are willing to hear:

“I know you care about being excellent and the best leader you can be. That’s why I want to flag something I noticed that might be holding you back from your next level.”

Or:

“Do you mind if I share an observation I’ve had recently? It’s from my perspective and my guess is it might be hard to see this if you’re in it day-to-day.”

If you can name the greatness before the area of growth, you help the receiver feel seen, which positions them into a more willing place of listening.

But Regina, what if they say…?

You’re likely thinking, “OK Regina, I can do all of that, but I already know what objections and defensive responses they’ll probably have.”

Me, too! That’s why I’m here to arm you with the most common objections and what you can say in response.

Let’s pretend you are the OP and the high-ego leader’s problem is they talk over everyone else during leadership meetings. Here are a few objections you might hear - and the responses that will almost always land.

Objection #1: “I just care about results; I don’t really have time to think about how people feel.”

Your response: “I totally get wanting to be results-oriented. I think you might actually have an easier time getting your way if you invite others into your world and thinking process. Part of that means giving them space to respond to your ideas, or even letting them suggest the ideas in the first place.”

Objection #2: “No one else seems to have this issue with me.” Or, “This is the first time I’m hearing this kind of feedback.”

Your response: “That might be true, but it could also be true that people aren’t willing to tell you because they are afraid or don’t have a lot to gain from telling you. I’m sharing my POV because I respect you enough to be honest.”

Objection #3: “So are you saying I should talk less?”

Your response: “No, definitely not! I’m not here to police how much you talk; that would be rude. I’m saying it would be helpful to make some space for everyone else to get their thoughts in, too. Right now, your voice is the dominant one in the leadership team meetings - we could try balancing that by inviting other people on the team to share their thoughts, too.”

Want more operational content?

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About Regina Gerbeaux

Shortly after her role as Chief of Staff, then COO, she opened her own coaching practice, Coaching Founder, and has worked with outrageously talented operators on teams like Delphi AI, dYdX, Astronomer, Fanatics Live, and many more companies backed by funds like Sequoia and Andreessen Horowitz.

Her open-sourced write-ups on Operational Excellence and how to run a scaling company can be found here and her templates can be found here.

She lives in the Pacific Northwest with her partner Lucas and dog Leia, and can be found frequenting 6:00AM Orangetheory classes or hiking trails nearby.